Adventures of Mark and Stu: Musings on Amsterdam

Musings on Amsterdam

Oude Kerk

When you mention Amsterdam, inevitably people bring up drugs, the red light district, and 'the homosexual'. People often confuse tolerance with acceptance. The true Dutch axiom is just because you can doesn't mean you should. And while we are at it, I won't say anything but I certainly will draw my own conclusion.

If this is all you think about when you consider Amsterdam, you are missing a lot. A whole lot. Amsterdam invented the game Frogger with endless crowds of clueless and lost pedestrians looking for the Anne Frank House. You also have to watch for wicked-witch-of-the-west raggedy-ass bikes that can give you tetanus on contact. You were standing on a bike path. Worse, a tour of bicyclists have circled you.

It can feel like that but it is not a fair description. Cross a canal and look at the fresh flowers. Cross a canal at night at look at the cafes and lit bridges as you wander along on the cobblestones on streets with crazy names--even when translated. (Nieuwezijds Voorburgwal, for example means, New Side Front Bastion Wall). Listen to the bells of a clock tower. Marvel at gingerbread houses. Find a street with a crazier name. As the rings of the city grew, they needed a name for the ever newer outside the new city wall and so on. As a tourist, you would never notice some of these streets are written in old Dutch. We used to stop on one canal, hug, and say, "We live here." with the lights reflecting off a nearby bridge.

When we were getting ready to move back to the States, we noticed the city was trying to make our street, the Warmoesstraat, more upscale. The Warmoesstraat was infamously known for its cruise and fetish bars. For added color, there were shops like Chiquita's Sex Paradijs with a bouncing golden male sex toy. We found it odd that people took static pictures of a bouncing organ. We truly noticed the window when Stu's niece was coming to visit. Time for birds and bees--201. The pragmatic Dutch would herd the crazy, the drugged, and the drug selling to our street close to the Red Light District. From motels that reeked of stale Crisco to piles of stoners (and puke) who couldn't handle the strength of the pot in Amsterdam, it was never a dull moment. You would inevitably have your conversation interrupted by someone getting in your face and whispering COKE-X-CHARLEY. I remember Stu yelling at the top of his lungs something to the effect of, Are you trying to sell drugs to me? I don't want any of your drugs! or telling the one-eyed woman, Look at the face, look at it. You will never get any money from me! Ever! We looked American. We were targets for the beggars and the entrepreneurs. Before we moved back, a smart vodka bar had opened at the end of the street and a few gay businesses had lost their licenses. Fast forward, the street now has a candy shop, a Dolce and Grabbana, a Dunkin' Donuts, and a hostel in the building where the oldest gay fetish bar in Europe had once stood. I felt hurt and upset. Look what they did to my street, I thought. Stu told me it was ten years later but we came to the conclusion that it just did not feel as safe for our crowd with drunken Irish pubs surrounding our bars as it had in its colorful past. The big-ass sign for Chiquita's was also gone as was the vomit, the crazies, the junkies, the dealers, and crumbled bodies. Around the corner, our green grocer and butcher were missing too.

All our gay friends go to these bars often to escape the cologne, the fancy, the 'doos, and the hopelessly pretty and fabulous. They would not be caught dead in our bars. We are the dirty, the scruffy, the old. Basically, we are lil scary. I will take that as a compliment. We are a community onto itself. I saw Stu at an event in Houston, met him at a party in Vermont through friends. We met a man in Cologne, Germany; saw him in Cape Town, South Africa; and are now staying with him in Belgium. We met our Paris host in Amsterdam and the host after that, in Tenerife also in Amsterdam and then Berlin with the friends from Vermont. If we were a family, it would be inbred. I guess it is a good thing we don't breed. My favorite line screamed at us while we were jay walking. Dressed in leather. In Hamburg at 2 am. Denk aan de Kinderen! We hadn't waited for the crosswalk. See? We are not a good influence.

I think I heard the city was 20% queer when we lived there? A lesbian friend told us, the city is not so gay now. On the flip side, the city is dealing with its own success. Tourism has skyrocketed and is projected to continue to grow out of control. The city is much cleaner and has been cleverly upgraded with nicer public spaces but it all comes with a cost. Amsterdam is so protected, our friends had trouble relocating a gutter to prevent flooding. The council decided the spouting must be consistent with the period of the dwelling. The only problem was that spouting wasn't even introduced to the city yet. In the city center (where all the tourists go), you can't build up and you cant build down. Businesses that can make the most money per square meter have cropped up. This is a true failure of the free market model. The quality of life for residents has been strained by the decrease in day-to-day living establishments. As a result, the city is putting its foot down on certain shops. Perhaps its another gay shop, a cheese shop, or head shop. Call it growing pains.

What is striking when you walk around the town is the explosion of growth wherever it is possible. Amsterdam is a giant half-ring with Central Station at the center. Behind the train station is a ferry that takes you to "North". North is exploding. Soon their will be an entire skyline of skyscrapers if the growth continues! We walked around and marveled at the changes in the city. It was already safe but even your bicycles are a bit safer now.

Not only gay or sex-related shops have been targeted. I gather there are fewer windows in the Red Light District and the indoor smoking and building ordinances have forced coffee bars to move around the city.

We got to see some friends while in the city but we really wanted to spend time with Tim and Peter, our gracious hosts. I hope we didn't disrupt their life too much. Wherever, whenever you visit, there is never enough time. Meeting people often means a coffee juggled around schedules. I am so grateful that we got to have a quick bite with our previous host, Julian. Stu had worked with him in the past. I can honestly say he is one of the most interesting people in the world. He is as colourful as he is intelligent. Always the bobby-dazzler, his smile just lights me up. Another visit was to see an old friend, Tineke. Stu had lead seminars with her when we lived in the city. There is a subtle charm about her where you just want to grab her and hug her. I'm sure her wife does. If not (Dutch people don't do that--spoken from her lips) she should. We were fortunate to be in Town for Sjur's partner Andrew's 60th birthday. We had an amazing dinner with new friends and family. I had met Sjur's mother about 15 years ago--at a birthday party, She is absolutely delightful but a little soft spoken for a crowd of twenty or so. It was so nice to see her again. I also got to meet Andrew's mother. She instantly reminds you of the Queen's Mum. She is charming and great conversation. I told Andrew that I wanted to take her out for high tea. I know just the place where they have the best scones and clotted cream. I'm sure they could find some cucumber sandwiches or something. Good company is always better than good food--and the food was amazing. We had Rijsttafel, an Indonesian Colonial meal where you get to taste everything. Spoiler alert. The English and Norwegian mothers were both pushing the fish. Of course they were. We also sat around Andrew's family and friends. Everyone was so nice. I hope we get to spend a good amount of time with the two of them on a future trip. And now back to our hosts. We had brough ground Caribe chile with us on our last trip. Although Tim had made wonderful, if not unusual, ;) tacos earlier in the week, we decided to make burritos with the chile. We gathered all the ingredients and simmered the sauce...........of death. It wasn't that bad but I'm pretty sure Tim was politely suffering.

OK, I had to get some of that out of me. Are you still considering going to Amsterdam? I hope so. We do have some advice. Don't go for the weather. It will be hot, cold, rainy, or both. Expect sunlight, mosquitos, high air fares, and too many people in the Summer and Darkness and rain in the Winter. Go in the Spring, preferably the King's Birthday on the 27th of April. Flowers will be in bloom and air fares are still cheap. You will see a crowded but Dutch country enjoying one big party from border-to-border. The Fall is also a good time since the fares should be reasonable. Stu will tell you more at some point...